Poem for a rainbow baby (a poem for my daughter)

When I was pregnant with a rainbow baby after experiencing miscarriages I had a hard time believing I would ever have a real live baby. This is the poem I wrote for my rainbow baby after she was born. 

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We have one child, our toddler.  But our daughter wasn’t our first.  She is our rainbow baby.  There were two others. Miscarried. It took a while before even all our friends would know this. It’s not that I wanted to deny their existence but it was too crushing. I shut down and literally didn’t have words to speak. So I did what I always do when things feel unbearable. I wrote. Sometimes in a journal, sometimes poetry. Often poetry.

I wrote through my pregnancy.  I read book after book about pregnancy after loss.  I cried.  I hoped.  I prayed.  And I am someone who wavers on faith.  But I prayed.

We are coming up to the anniversary of what would have been our first baby’s birthday.  Our baby would be turning seven years old.  I can’t even fathom our rainbow baby/now toddler having a seven year old sibling.

When my rainbow baby was born, one of my first thoughts in the hospital was that I couldn’t believe we got to keep her. Even when we brought her home, in the throes of sleepless nights and breastfeeding struggles, I felt so utterly grateful. And still partly in disbelief that she was ours.

One day in those early weeks of colic and cuddles, a poem tumbled out of me. This is it.

Five Year Sandcastle (poem for a rainbow baby)

© Suchot Sunday

While we were waiting

I felt as helpless

As that day by the lake

When I was ten

The sound of rollerblades

Along a boardwalk

Cracked-paint dinosaurs

Immobile in sand

My tiny eyes fixed

On the seagull

With a banana peel

Halfway down its throat, choking

When you were born

The record that had been skipping

For years

Found its thread

Squirrels suddenly remembered

Where they buried their cache

And could once again

Add some weight

To their lean bones.

If you are pregnant again with your rainbow baby and struggling with anxiety after losing a pregnancy, this post on pregnancy meditations can help.

Related: How to survive your first Mother’s Day after miscarriage

If you need more support during this time, please check out Living With Vulnerability, an online course taught by the wise and gentle Pema Chödrön.

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